Good Day!

I will open this critique with an admittance: I have never written a "formal" critique, so bear with me through this process. I will try to be as detailed with my comments as I can, so we both don't get lost in ambiguity.

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First things first: Overall, I found this piece very intriguing and enjoyed the premise of the idea. It is quite original and it is for this reason, I am giving my first attempt at a critique.

The opening sequence. An interesting and drawing section. It gives you a taste for what is to come, but is careful to not give away what the ending might be. Though it has a intriguing stance, I feel there is something missing. It isn't a major thing, but it seems to me that there could be more, a closer and more driven connection with the story; a little more insight, if you will. Do not get me wrong, as I enjoyed it, but my mind is grasping for more, perhaps a strong insight to this creature.

"So unappealing is this fragile form humans bear,"

One thing I also noticed was an interesting pattern of paired words that both start with the same letter.

"she stumbled slightly"; " bloated body"; "scowled severely"; "forcing the feline" - Things like that. Generally, it isn't a problem, but those all happened in the same paragraph. So it might be something to keep an eye on in the future.

Along those lines, sometimes placing two words together or close to each other with a "rhyming pattern" can be a bit...distracting. This is a major issue, but something I had noticed a couple of times throughout the piece.

Word choices is something we all seem to struggle with as writers. It isn't necessarily our lack of knowledge or ability, but we are trying to convey a certain emotion or action, it can be a little tricky to find just the right word to give that punch we want/need. In light of this, I found that some word choices left me a bit confused? They seemed a bit clunky or awkward in the particular circumstance that they were used or the describing word didn't seem to flow well with the word it was paired. This isn't something we always catch when putting our pieces together, and sometimes even when editing.

In the scene the siblings were sitting around the table, I was a bit lost with the shifting between characters. Also, scene seemed a bit disgruntled and not fully...together if you will. It was stiff and lacking in something solid I could grab onto, be it emotions, actions, or just details overall. I also didn't quite make the full connection with the hatred the sister mentioned. It almost made me want more of a back story before that point to bring a bit of understanding to the conversation, if you catch my drift.

As I kept reading, there were a couple of points I was hoping for that extra word of detail/explanation of a something she sees or feels. In some sections, there was a bit more detachment than I believe was intended.

"Catching a large stain in the corner of her eye" - I asked myself, what color was the stain? Also, you mention that "He and his beer always ended up on the floor." - Perhaps instead of beer, because you mentioned scotch a couple of sentences earlier, 'drink' or 'alcohol' would fit better in this instance?

Looking at the overall piece, I had noticed a few shifts in tense. It wasn't often, but the occasional slip from past to present was a bit...stuttering. Though I mention this, it isn't *that* critical of an issue, as it only happens a few times in the piece.

I also felt in the overall execution, there could've been more "oomph". I craved a bit more detail, emotion, show, connection. I wish I could adequately describe in a short time what I am trying to say without overwhelming you, so I won't try and write a novel of an explanation of this thought. I guess, if this is what I am trying to say, perhaps more "showing" than "telling" in a way.

All in all, I hope I didn't overwhelm or completely make it sound like this was not enjoyable or well written as a whole. I know I wrote a lot, but I tried to not sound pretentious. Thank you very much for sharing your work, and I hope to read more in the near future!

If you have any questions or wish to discuss this further, let me know! Hopefully I can clarify if necessary!